I am unsettled this Christmas. I started a new job this past week and that has been hard for me, but mostly I am feeling the deep sadness of the Newtown tragedy I tried to hold it at bay all through the week, but this morning it took a hold of me. Sure, I have been praying throughout the week, crying over the daily news each day, listening to the folks at work share their news about people they know that were involved in many different ways, but I had not really let the horror in.
Jim and I got out early this morning and ended up sitting at St. Mary's by the sea with our coffee's and kind of talked things out. There really is no way to reason it through, but we both shared our thoughts. The sun was shining like diamonds on the water, the sky was blue and so it was a good time to take a moment and reflect. Tears came, but it was a relief to finally be able to speak of it.
Later on this afternoon there was a knock on the front door. It was our neighbor who was distributing luminaries to light tonight in remembrance. She explained that many Connecticut communities were lighting them. I thanked her and assured her that we would light ours.
We headed out to our usual Christmas Eve dinner at The Redding Road House around 5:30. We got off the highway in Newtown. There was a black wreath hanging from the highway sign. "We're going through Newtown?" I asked from the back seat. Jim explained that this was the way we always come. I had forgotten. The car got quiet as we all looked out the windows. Thousands of luminaries lined every street, every porch. There were even luminaries set out in heart shapes on people's front yards. A lump formed in my throat. We drove by St. Rose church were the first memorial was held and we made our way through the hushed streets. I did something that I have not done for many years. I blessed myself. I felt the sadness, but I also felt the holy. I felt God's presence. I was traveling along hallowed ground. I closed my eyes and said a prayer. We drove by the Police Dept. and the public buildings. I thought of the first responders. Soon enough we were in Redding and the chatter resumed in the car.
I don't know what I am getting at here and I have no way to wrap this up neatly. Not the usual Christmas cozy post I know, but I felt the need to write about this.
You know what was amazing to me? The Town of Newtown was ablaze with all of those luminaries but it was ablaze with Christmas lights too. Tasteful white lights, tacky flashing snowmen, pine trees all decked out. Big old Victorians, and little tiny cape cod's all had their lights lit. Tragedy struck this community a little over a week ago and yet they had turned on their lights. The word HOPE came to my mind. It was a precious thing to see, to witness, and I feel blessed that I got to see it in person.
Merry Christmas to anyone still reading.
Love,
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